I once read that the best thing you could do for little girls is to refrain from commenting about how they look. At first blush, this might seem extreme. Stop for a moment and think about it; for many girls, how they look is not only the first thing people comment upon but the thing people comment upon most frequently. When you see a little girl, does something along the lines of “she’s pretty” or “what a cute pair of shoes” pop out of your (generally feminist) mouth? Once I started to notice what popped out of my (generally feminist) mouth, I realized that commenting upon clothing or hair is a pretty obvious icebreaker, in large part because so many girls are not so much dressed as decorated, coifed, and heavily accessorized. Unless they choose boys’ clothing (picture wide corduroy and khaki, loads of orange, dinosaurs, American ball sports, and some camouflage), girls these days aren’t left much choice. Peruse a children’s clothing catalogue and you’ll see a very pink and lavender, ruffled, flowered, flounced, cutesy selection of clothing replete with everything that supposedly characterizes girls: lollipops (sugar), sassy cuts like bell bottoms or midriff baring shirts or bikinis (spice), and horses, kittens, ballet dancers (everything nice). This point was driven home to me last year when my son, Remy, then three and I attended a fourth birthday party for his friend, Annie. Annie received not one, not two, but three purses. She also got jewelry and hair holders. The toys were limited to horses (which she loves), some dress up items, and collectibles. We brought books. No one gave her anything to do: no balls or puzzles or building toys or even art projects. I guess you could sum it up as pretty is as pretty does (or in this case, doesn’t).
Remy’s fourth birthday party loot, by contrast, included art supplies, building toys, a science experiment of a rocket that blasts off for real, a bicycle bell... You get the picture: active boys get active toys.
Ezekiel, now eleven, wanted long hair from the time he was in preschool. His younger brothers followed suit. Having been mistaken for girls for so long I can’t remember their gender being considered obvious, one thing that has been proven again and again; people do comment on pretty overwhelmingly as the icebreaker. They declare the boys, “sweet,” “adorable,” or in England this past summer, “darling.” Even on a beach vacation while wearing swim trunks, gender confusion persists. As girls, my kids are not only affirmed for being pretty but for being nice, friendly, good with younger children... Maybe boys identified as boys would be affirmed for these qualities. Often, after a person apologizes for seeing boy as girl, shifts in language define my child as “handsome,” “strong featured,” or “energetic.”
In actual fact, my kids are sweet, adorable, darling, handsome, strong featured and energetic. While I don’t think of them as extreme examples of gender neutrality, in an age attached to gender stereotyping, they really are. So, a challenge: next time you are about to make a pretty-based comment to a little girl, keep your (generally feminist) mouth shut for a moment. Then, see what else you might find to say.
Also by Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser,
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